The Gift of Anxiety
Written by Kendall Bergman
I used to think I was calm, laid back and easy-going. Then, in my late 40’s I got a puppy. For the first time in my life, I was responsible for keeping another living thing alive. At the same time I was adjusting to life with a 10-week old puppy, I was moving to a new city to start a new job. I remember packing up my apartment one day. I look in the corner and Sunny (the puppy) is puking. This happened about 3 times before I realized this sweet helpless pup was taking my anxiety on as her own.
That realization was life-changing…not immediately, but over time I’ve been able to metabolize the fact that anxiety has been present in my body for most of my life. I thought I was supposed to be flexible and low maintenance…not to be a bother…not to take up too much room. I thought that anxiety and stress were only for weak people…broken people…frightened people. Come to find out…I’m one of those weak, broken and frightened people.
I love that dog. She took on my anxiety before I could recognize it in myself. She reflected back to me when I was stressed out. She let me know I could regulate…choose another way. Once I saw that…knew it was true…I was able to name it. And in the naming…giving the anxiety a voice…that’s where the movement through the anxiety became possible.
Five years ago I turned fifty. One of my closest friends rented a gorgeous house in Costa Rica and told me to invite 9 or 10 friends to join in the week-long celebration. My mom had passed away just 2 months earlier. I was an unraveled mess. There were 12 women on that trip, including me. From various parts of my life. A couple of the gals were friends of my friend. Several of the ladies didn’t know one another. I wanted everyone to have fun and beneath the surface I believed it was my job to take care of everyone and make sure they enjoyed their time.
It seemed like everyone wasn’t getting along, clicks were forming and I only became more anxious. Around the 3rd night my acid reflux was unbearable. I couldn’t sleep and ended up throwing up. The next morning my sister, who was on the trip, told me what she was seeing. She reminded me it wasn’t my job to take care of my friends. Everyone on the trip was an adult who was capable of taking care of herself. She invited me to step back and just let it be.
What she said was absolutely true. It was not easy to hear. And even though we were both grieving the loss of our mother, I wanted to accept that invitation. I was clumsy and ungraceful in the attempt to let go. And yet, I was willing to try…willing to be vulnerable and uncertain and responsible for myself…not anyone else.
A lot of people are anxious about dying or losing a loved one. Other people are anxious about failure or public embarrassment. My anxiety has always been about making other people happy and okay. That’s the role I was assigned in my family. The system I was born into needed me to serve in this capacity and for many years I did so quite well. The role worked. But, then at some point along the way it stopped working. Sunny the dog has helped me realize that it stopped working.
Over the past couple of years, identifying and naming the anxiety that bubbles up is much easier to recognize. I have a couple of close relationships where I’m able to honestly and vulnerably show up and share what’s happening. Those trusted confidantes are able to remind me what’s true. And, as I’ve already stated, there is another way.
More importantly, my relationship with God has become deeper and the more dependent I become on the Lord the more free I am to move through the anxiety and into a groundedness that is solid.
I’ve come to view anxiety as a gift. Susan David, psychologist and executive coach, has said “emotions are data not directives”. She suggests our feelings are signposts offering us insight to what’s really important to us. Through my own experience, I agree with her. It’s not that the anxiety I’m feeling is untrue. However, there gets to be more to my story than parking in the anxiety. I get to invite others to bear witness and remind me there is a way through…into reliable truth.
Today, I can honestly say that I’m grateful for the anxiety that lives inside of me. It’s painful in the moment. My heart aches and my stomach hurts. But, then light seeps in and the darkness is dispelled…and I’m whole.
Would you like to view the anxiety in your soul as a gift? Is there anything in you that would like to move through anger to freedom? Are you exhausted and tired of being stuck in resentment? I would love to speak with you. Email me at kendall@thediscoverywell.com to schedule a free discovery session.